100+ Hilarious Funny Quotes That Will Make You LOL! (Perfectly Safe for Work)

Welcome to our collection of 101 Hilarious Funny Quotes That Will Make You LOL! (Perfectly Safe for Work). Whether you’re looking to lighten the mood at the office, share a laugh with friends, or simply brighten your own day, our curated list of funny and clever quotes is here to deliver. Each quote is crafted to be both humorous and appropriate for any setting, ensuring you can enjoy and share them without worry. Dive in and discover a world of wit, humor, and laughter that’s sure to leave you smiling!

• ·  “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
• ·  “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.”
• ·  “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”
• ·  “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
• ·  “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!”
• ·  “I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.”
• ·  “Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.”
• ·  “I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.”
• ·  “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.”
• ·  “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
• ·  “I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.”
• ·  “The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.”
• ·  “I’m friends with all my coworkers. They’re just as annoyed by me as my real friends.”
• ·  “I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze.”
• ·  “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
• ·  “Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.”
• ·  “I asked the gym if they could teach me how to do the splits. They said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'”
• ·  “I have a clean conscience. I haven’t used it once yet.”
• ·  “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.”
• ·  “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
• ·  “Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.”
• ·  “I’m on a roll! Butter me up.”
• ·  “I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”
• ·  “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
• ·  “I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.”
• ·  “The problem with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.”
• ·  “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
• ·  “I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
• ·  “If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?”
• ·  “I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.”
• ·  “I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?”
• ·  “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
• ·  “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”
• ·  “I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.”
• ·  “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
• ·  “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
• ·  “I’m reading a book on teleportation. It’s bound to take me places.”
• ·  “Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.”
• ·  “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”
• ·  “I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.”
• ·  “I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.”
• ·  “How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.”
• ·  “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
• ·  “I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.”
• ·  “I burned 2000 calories today. I left my food in the oven for too long.”
• ·  “I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.”
• ·  “Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.”
• ·  “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and eat it.”
• ·  “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.”
• ·  “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
• ·  “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
• ·  “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
• ·  “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
• ·  “Why do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.”
• ·  “I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.”
• ·  “I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.”
• ·  “I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.”
• ·  “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”
• ·  “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”
• ·  “I’m a huge fan of wind turbines.”
• ·  “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”
• ·  “I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.”
• ·  “I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.”
• ·  “I’m no good at math, but I’m great at calculating the pizza to mouth ratio.”
• ·  “I once told a chemistry joke. There was no reaction.”
• ·  “I’d tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience.”
• ·  “I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.”
• ·  “I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.”
• ·  “I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.”
• ·  “Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.”
• ·  “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
• ·  “I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.”
• ·  “I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.”
• ·  “I’m on a roll! Butter me up.”
• ·  “I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on one hand, is great.”
• ·  “I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.”
• ·  “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”
• ·  “I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
• ·  “I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.”
• ·  “I’m friends with all my coworkers. They’re just as annoyed by me as my real friends.”
• ·  “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.”
• ·  “Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans.”
• ·  “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
• ·  “I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
• ·  “I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
• ·  “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!”
• ·  “I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.”
• ·  “I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze.”
• ·  “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
• ·  “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
• ·  “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
• ·  “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.”
• ·  “I asked the gym if they could teach me how to do the splits. They said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'”
• ·  “I’m reading a book on teleportation. It’s bound to take me places.”
• ·  “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
• ·  “I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.”
• ·  “Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.”
• ·  “I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.”
• ·  “I have a clean conscience. I haven’t used it once yet.”
• ·  “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.”
• ·  “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”